Extra Extra Read All About It: US Clarifies Threats in New Policy

**🗞️ MONDAY MADNESS | Ash A. Milton Universe**

**BREAKING: U.S. GOVERNMENT CLARIFIES WHICH FOREIGN THREATS ARE ACTUALLY THREATENING**

*WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a pair of landmark policy developments this week, the United States government has finally provided clarity on the national security landscape, confirming which entities pose an existential threat to the American way of life and which do not.*

*A childfree single woman drinking wine on her deck while reading a book about fierce females: THREAT. Neutralization authorized.*

*The People's Republic of China purchasing farmland adjacent to U.S. military installations: Good for land prices. Carry on.*

*Officials say the distinction is straightforward once you understand the framework.*

**DOMESTIC TERRORISM DIVISION RELEASES UPDATED TARGET PROFILE**

*WASHINGTON, D.C. — The FBI's newly operational NSPM-7 Joint Mission Center, a ten-agency task force purpose-built to identify and neutralize domestic extremists, released updated guidance this week confirming that the following individuals represent a clear and present danger to the United States of America:*

— *Women who do not hold traditional views on family structure*

— *People who criticize religion*

— *Labor organizers*

— *Anyone who has posted something critical of the administration*

— *Childless cat ladies, specifically*

*The task force confirmed it has no current plans to investigate the People's Republic of China, which this week received a warm personal endorsement from the President of the United States for its ongoing acquisition of American agricultural land.*

*"Food security is national security," Agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollins said in July 2025, announcing a plan to ban Chinese farmland purchases and imprison violators for up to five years.*

*That plan is no longer operative.*

*Secretary Rollins was not available for comment. Her quote, however, remains available on the USDA website, where it will presumably stay until someone notices.*

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**TRUMP CLARIFIES PREVIOUS POSITION ON CHINESE LAND OWNERSHIP**

*BEIJING, China — Standing alongside Chinese President Xi Jinping in the Zhongnanhai garden, President Donald Trump moved Monday to clarify remarks he made in Pennsylvania in September 2024, in which he stated: "We don't want you buying our land. We don't want you taking the land off the market."*

*The President clarified that he had meant something different.*

*"You want to see farm prices drop? You want to see farmers lose a lot of money? Just take that out of the market," Trump told Fox News host Sean Hannity from Beijing, explaining that Chinese investment in American farmland is, in fact, good.*

*When asked about the National Farm Security Action Plan his own administration launched in July 2025 — which specifically banned new Chinese farmland purchases and required existing Chinese landowners to sell or face fines and federal prison — the President indicated he had moved on.*

*Trump noted that former President Barack Obama had also done nothing about Chinese farmland purchases, a response observers described as "not responsive to the question" but "consistent with established patterns."*

*Farm-dependent counties, 78 percent of which voted for Trump in 2024, are said to be processing the development.*

*"A lot of farmers are in trouble," one Wisconsin farmer told reporters. "I hope we can just weather the storm."*

*The storm was not available for comment.*

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**MAGA FIGURES EXPRESS CONCERN; SEEK CLARIFICATION ON WHO THE ENEMY IS**

*WASHINGTON, D.C. — Prominent America First supporters expressed confusion this week after President Trump endorsed Chinese ownership of U.S. farmland, a position they had previously understood to be the opposite of the one they were holding.*

*"Has China defeated our country?" conservative commentator Cernovich posted on X.*

*Former Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene, who previously supported the President's pledge to ban Chinese land purchases, wrote: "NO it is not ok for China to buy our farmland."*

*Both individuals had previously supported the administration's counterterrorism framework designating anti-fascists, immigration advocates, and people who reject traditional gender roles as domestic extremists requiring neutralization.*

*They did not address that contradiction.*

*At press time, the NSPM-7 Joint Mission Center confirmed it remains fully operational and focused on its primary mission: monitoring women who own cats.*

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**EDITOR'S NOTE:** *Monday Madness is satire. The policy, unfortunately, is not.*