EXTRA, EXTRA, READ ALL ABOUT IT:MISSION ACCOMPLISHED: AFTER 67 DAYS, BILLIONS SPENT, AND THOUSANDS OF CASUALTIES, THE UNITED STATES HAS ACHIEVED ITS BOLD NEW GOAL OF RETURNING TO EXACTLY WHERE IT ST

(SATIRE WARNING — Though We Understand If You Can't Tell Anymore)

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning display of strategic vision, Secretary of State Marco Rubio announced this week that the United States has successfully completed Phase One of Operation Epic Fury — defined, retroactively, as the phase in which everything gets much worse before the administration quietly reframes the mission as wanting things to go back to the way they were before the mission started.

"We have achieved significant progress," Rubio told reporters, declining to specify what that progress was, where it went, or whether it was insured.

The new objective, dubbed "Project Freedom," aims to reopen the Strait of Hormuz to commercial shipping — a waterway that was fully open to 130 ships per day approximately 68 days ago, before the United States began the operation that closed it.

Officials confirmed this is not irony. It is strategy.

IN OTHER NEWS FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF TRANSPORTATION:

Secretary Sean Duffy, fresh off seven months of filming a family road trip reality show sponsored by the airlines, oil companies, and cruise lines his department regulates, announced today that Spirit Airlines has collapsed, 17,000 workers have lost their jobs, and gas is $4.55 a gallon.

"To love America is to see America," Duffy said, adjusting his camera angle.

When asked whether it was appropriate to film a road trip reality show while the aviation industry was in crisis, the Department of Transportation reminded reporters that celebrating America's 250th birthday is an official government duty — and that taxpayers covered the Secretary's flights while Shell covered the gas.

The show will premiere on YouTube in June. Admission is free. Unlike gas. Or groceries. Or flying anywhere now that Spirit is gone.

A Department spokesperson also noted that critics of $4.55 gas "waged a war on fossil fuels and forced families into expensive electric vehicles" — which is a fascinating position from an administration that eliminated the EV tax credit, froze EV charging infrastructure funding, ended the federal solar tax credit, and then wondered why families were struggling with energy costs.

They took away your exit ramps. Then blamed you for being stuck in traffic.

AND NOW, A WORD ABOUT AMERICA'S 250TH BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION:

(Please read the following in the voice of the Idiocracy welcome video.)

To commemorate 250 years of American democracy, the President of the United States has announced the following programming:

A UFC championship fight on the White House lawn for 20,000 to 25,000 people. UFC is owned by TKO Group Holdings, which also owns WWE wrestling. The Secretary of Education, Linda McMahon, owns over $50 million worth of stock in TKO. The editors of Monday Madness want to be very clear that the Secretary of Education's financial stake in professional wrestling has absolutely nothing to do with the decision to host a UFC fight at the nation's most historic residence. It is simply a coincidence so perfect that no satirist could have invented it.

Trump himself is in the WWE Hall of Fame — an institution that, it should be noted, predates his entry into electoral politics and postdates his ability to body-slam a corporate logo on live television. America is very proud.

Also on the program: one boy and one girl selected from every state to compete in athletic games for the president's celebration. A Great American State Fair on the National Mall. An IndyCar race through downtown Washington. Trump's signature on all new paper currency. A 24-karat gold commemorative coin bearing his image. Multiple trademark applications filed by the Trump Organization for "Trump 250" merchandise including bumper stickers, tote bags, drinkware, clothing, and golf balls.

The Declaration of Independence will also be on tour. It will not have merchandise. It has not filed any trademark applications. It is doing its best.

For those keeping score at home: the 250th anniversary of American democracy will be celebrated with a cage fight, a children's athletic competition where kids are summoned from every state to perform for the ruling class in the capital, and a commemorative coin bearing the president's face.

The editors of Monday Madness would like to remind readers that in the 2006 film Idiocracy, the future President of the United States was a professional wrestler.

That film was supposed to be a warning. It has since been reclassified as a documentary.

THIS WEEK'S PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:

The editors of Monday Madness remind Americans that plants should not be watered with energy drinks. Water is still the recommended hydration source for vegetation, despite its lack of electrolytes. We understand this is counterintuitive in the current environment, but we ask you to trust the botanists on this one.

Brawndo has what plants crave. Plants, however, do not have what Brawndo craves. They just want water. Please give them water.

(If you do not understand this reference, please watch Idiocracy immediately. Then look at the news. Then watch it again.)

THIS WEEK'S OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT MOTTO:

"We always do it a different way. We get one ruling, and we do it a different way." — The President of the United States, on being told by two separate federal courts that his tariffs were illegal.

Courts have been reminded that their rulings are merely suggestions pending the next workaround.

A NOTE TO READERS:

If you are having difficulty distinguishing this satire from actual news coverage, the editors of Monday Madness would like to assure you that this is entirely the government's fault, not yours.

Stay angry. Stay informed. Stay sane.

(Two out of three may be achievable.)

Monday Madness is a satirical column published weekly by Ash A. Milton at ashamiltonuniverse.com. All facts cited are real. The absurdity is complimentary.

— Ash A. Milton